(New Paltz, New York) Call me a retentive, minutiae driven
malcontent. It must be some long-forgotten event from my
childhood that makes the occasional trivial matter tee me off.
While circumstances which enrage others barely get my notice,
there are those that tend percolate my blood. I'm told that I'm rather normal
otherwise, so please indulge me and allow me to vent.
This second weekend in October finds me on the road in downstate
New York. We're at a beautiful resort on the top of a Catskill
mountain whose new coat of golden and yellow leaves is gently
waved by the cool fall breezes which carry subtle warnings of
the oncoming winter. It's beautiful, but being on the road
brings up a long standing issue to full boil.
In my various job duties with a Fortune 500
company, I have the
rather fortunate position of supporting the board of directors'
meetings. This is a strenuous detail oriented job with no margin
for error. It does however allow me to enjoy the accouterments
of finer living. Travel by corporate jet, some of the best dining
in the nation, cool toys - uh, I mean tools - with which to
carry on my tasks, and accommodations at the creme de la crop
destinations of corporate America.
Which brings me to my Milleresque rant. I have stayed at some of
the finest hotels and resorts in the country, and have found a
prevalent, common thread. Keep in mind that I'm talking about
four and five star accommodations. Digs which, if they ever do
advertise, do so in the ilk of Forbes, Conde Nast and other
publications which run of the mill denizens of society such as
myself couldn't even afford to subscribe to.
These are palaces where the lowest room rates are in the $350 a
night range. The concierges can speak a dozen languages. Bell
hops actually hop to attention. The A&E network has showcased
the hotel in their series "American Castles." The pillow
chocolate mint is handmade by mocha artisans in Belgium and
couriered in a finely crafted fur lined walnut burl case onto a
direct flight to the closest US airport capable of accommodating
a Concorde airliner. The last leg for the chocolade is by
helicopter to the hotel destination where the mint is hurried to
each room by two staff members who lay the confection down onto
your pillow with the precision and reverence of a military
funeral. And this happens daily at these places.
Antique furniture festoons your room. Larger pieces decorate the
hallways. Why do they put couches put into hotel hallways? I've
never actually seen anyone sit on one. Anyhow, the ornate
fountains and objets d'art recall a more elegant age. The hotel
lounge begs you to indulge in either a snifter of twenty year
old single malt scotch or maybe a snort of rich port, and a fine
hand rolled cigar. Everything about the hotel is telling you,
the guest, that you have finally arrived. But if you're just
tailcoating like me, it tells you that you need the right lotto
numbers to visit on your own.
So what could possibly cause a demerit to be ignobly, yet
deservedly be placed onto such grandeur? I have found that most
places, that against all logic, decorum and plain civility -
the shower pressure sucks.
Now why in the world would a hotel not pay attention to the one
thing that most all of the guests do? Many guests may not eat at
the hotel, others may opt out of sleep for activities more
fecund on the bed, and yet others may not care to use the health
club facilities. As far as my nose can surmise, practically all
of us Americans shower daily.
This is how the problem manifests itself. After sleeping on an
excellently firm mattress under a goose down-filled comforter,
you awake with a slight grog caused by a mixture in no
particular ratio of a large dinner and a late night. Add
cocktails, wine and aperitifs. Stepping in to the bathroom, you
spread the luxuriant floor towel in front of the tub. You lean
over to the tub and turn on the water. A fearsome flow gushes
forth. You break a slight smile. You can hardly keep your
fingers in the strong flow as you adjust the water temperature.
We're talking major pressure here. Your smile spreads across
your face. It's 5:47 AM and you shudder thinking about the busy
day ahead - the next two hours will be like directing a Super
Bowl broadcast. This shower will be the only thing to prepare
you for the day's duties.
You step in. You lean over to the shower diverter control. You
glance at the directions - it seems that every hotel has a
different faucet mechanism (but none are better than the other)
- and then the moment you've been waiting for. You turn the
lever.
$&*#%$ &$##* !!! A pathetic drizzle, not even comparing to a
bad cold's post nasal drip emanates from the spray nozzle. You
ineffectively jiggle the diverter control. Nothing. Maybe turn
the water off, then on again? Nada. Maybe the shower head itself
can be adjusted. No luck there either. The control ranges from
"Sahara" all the way to "Mouse Tinkle" and it's set for already
set for full at the "Mouse" position. After this panic driven
moment, you acquiesce to the reality that you've been screwed
again by the "Excellent Hotel, Crappy Shower Syndrome." It will
take up to three times longer than usually necessary to rinse
soap from your hair and body. Instead of singing in the shower,
your predicament makes you steam more that the shower can. And
that's not hard to do.
I'm not a conspiracy theorist by any means. Probably because I
think most people don't have the time to plan such plots of
intrigue (except for writers, that is). I then doubt that if
written, such plans could be successfully put into action. I
simply don't think that mankind is as highly skilled as true
blue conspiracy theorists believe it to be. Anyhow, I believe I
have truly discovered a conspiracy amongst hotel showers: in
over 85% of the dribble showers I've experienced, they've all
uses The Shower Massage by Teledyne shower head.
This device purports to avail the most comforting pulsating
streams of water on you as you shower. It has a dial control to
adjust the stream from normal shower stream to allegedly
throbbing firehose-like jets to untie any knot your back muscles
may be harboring. Or so the dial leads you to believe. Never in
my life have I had a good shower using one of these Teledyne
products. I'm being objective here. And anyhow, isn't Teledyne
a military contractor? What the hell are they doing in the
shower head business? These gadgets are useless
except as a testament to the good salesmanship of Teledyne's
take-no-prisoner army of sales shmogs.
I'm assuming that the Teledyne Shower Spoiler Squadron has
apparently either:
|
| Mohonk Mountain House New Paltz, New York |
Part One: Nice late 1800's feel to the resort and rooms. Good food. The shower diverter is only partially functional. The faucet flow is remarkable and remains so even with the shower activated. Real nice to be dribbled on while you look down at a thundering flow frothing up a lather around your feet from what little soap is being washed off by the shower head drizzle. Surprisingly, Teledyne is not at fault here. The problem was reported by me to the front desk by 6:20 AM. They said they'll put it on the daily maintenance list. Part Two: Well, someone stopped by to check the shower head while I was golfing the nine hole course designed by a sadist. One of the holes was two hundred yards out, one hundred and fifty yards down. Another was one hundred out, fifty up. But I digress. I returned to find that the shower situation looked like I was turning the diverter too FAR to the "shower" position. Oh, THAT'S why the lower faucet kept running. All I needed to do was turn the handle all the way to the right, THEN back it off until the faucet flow stopped. But of course. Why didn't I think about that. Hmmm. The plumber who stopped by also adjusted the shower head for the "high pressure" stream. Right. That position creates the widest circular spray pattern I had ever seen. You stand under the shower and a halo of little streams surrounds your head. You could stay dry in this haven from the rain. Through all this, the conclusion is that I did not enjoy my showers at Mohonk. |
| The Cloister Sea Island, Georgia |
Very nice. Second only to Pebble Beach (haven't been there yet) as the nation's finest golf resort. Great food, decent shower pressure. The drainage, however, needed attention. I also have no idea where the puddle on the bathroom floor kept coming from. Nevertheless, one of the few places I've been where I'd like to return to with my wife. |
| The Pierre New York City |
Kitty corner from the Plaza on Central Park. You too can nap for a night for only four hundred and fifty smolyans. Why so high? Location, location, location. The showers? Suck, suck, suck. My idea for them? Charge five bucks more and turn on some water pressure. |
| Marriott Marquis Broadway, New York City |
Almost a cheesy place to stay. Weird lobby. Showers have been Teledyned. Yuk. |
| Kingsmill Resort Williamsburg, Virginia |
Victimized by Teledyne. Maybe owner Annheiser-Busch is in cahoots with Teledyne. A bad shower was had. This place was the last straw before I started getting ballistic on this rather trivial matter of shower pressure standards. |
| Williamsburg Inn Williamsburg, Virginia |
Palatial suites, nonexistent staff. Rooms decorated in quasi-dork 1973. Excellent shower pressure. |
| UN Plaza Hilton New York, New York |
Nice food. A bad shower. |
| The Metropole Moscow, Russia |
Enough pressure to thankfully blast post-Stalinist street grit from your body. When first opened, the western partners needed to build a new water supply system once they realized that the Moscow water department turns off entire sections of Moscow's hot water mains for weeks at a time over the summer for maintenance. Yes, the centralized government brought centralized hot water to Moscow. The Russian partners never mentioned this as they thought it wasn't a problem. "Vsyo normallno", they said. Well, it isn't "normallno". This is the hygiene attitude which makes the Russian population so ripe. |
| Four Seasons Philadelphia, PA |
An elegant place to spend the night and a few bucks. Nice single malt selection at the bar. A terrible shame about the Teledyned showers. |
| The Ritz Carlton Boston, MA |
The shower was so bad I reported it to the front desk. Pathetic. This hotel coulda been a contenda. |
| The Doubletree New Orleans, LA |
Showers that wake and wash your over-partied, overstuffed corpulence. I can't even remember the showers from this stay for some reason. |
| Embassy Suites Detroit, MI and Alexandria, VA |
Nicely priced, reasonably equipped and a free happy hour. Whoo. Two room suites. Nice showers. I can live with it. |
| The Westin Denver, CO |
Nice hotel, but exceedingly pretentious lobby signage: "Please
respect our guests privacy -- do not ask for
autographs." How about changing that to: "Please be nice to our guests -- they all had very poor "Shower Massage by Teledyne" showers this morning". Yup. The showers bit. |
Wanna return to the Na Zdarovya!